hard times too

I am so sad this morning. I can't stop thinking about my mama.  I know I need to deal with her being gone.....maybe this weekend will be the time.  I just wrote on my facebook:

I am feeling very sad and missing mom. Then I watched a Christmas movie where a elderly woman died. Her eyes opened wide as she saw the glory awaiting her. My mom's eyes got huge as she saw something only she could see....and then she was gone. Thank you God...for reminding me she is with You in an amazing place.

 It is so true.  When she looked that way I thought she looked afraid...but it wasn't fear. It was awe. Totally awe!  I think it is amazing for her.... I can't even imagine.  All I know is I miss her. The pain is deep in my chest.
Plus I talked to my brother, Doug. I miss him. He is such a great part of mom.  Plus every day at recess I look up from the playground and see the windows of my mom's apartment. Plus I just found out Aunt Lorraine is back in the hospital again.  Christmas will be weird without mama.  Last year we were at Don & Lois's with mom.  I can't go there this year...too hard. So papa and I will be alone.  Strange.  I will probably sleep as a distraction.

I need to grieve my mom. I just don't know how or when.  I did a bad job when dad died. I didn't grieve him until a month or so later. Mom is 3 months and I don't know how. It hurts to even start. So I pull back and stop thinking of her.  Is that strange?

I have work at noon until 6 then I am off until January 3rd.  That should put a smile on my face. 

Gotta get Andrew and Lauren up and get to work.  Have a great day. Sorry I am Debbie Downer this morning.... just saying how I feel.