*my epiphany*

That is the percentage I feel I am using today. And yesterday. I swear I am losing it! Yesterday papa and I were driving home... talking about the cat jumping off the garage door when it is open onto the windshield of the van. And I pointed out the scratch marks he was making on my windshield! Then he pointed out to me we weren't in the van... we were driving the car. Freaked me out a bit. Does it make sense to you? I think I am losig my mind. I'm doing things that don't always make sense. There are other things I can't remember now. I best get back to lists so I can remember things better.


My memory picture was taken June 1991... 19 years ago in our yard in Poulsbo. It looks like they are playing badminton.... but Kevon is tossing a wiffle ball bat. hmmmm. Maybe he was using that for a racket?

My facebook friend of the day is Carrie Johnson! We were buds in high school! Oh, the past we have! Lot's of great and funny times and a few stupid times thrown in! I love her and miss her! She is a wonderful person that I will always cherish as a friend!

Yesterday was beautiful and today it is raining. blah. Papa did get the new steps on yesterday! Good job papa! Looking great! He is waiting til we are suppose to have a week strait of sunshine and heat! Not feeling so hot this morning. My throat is burning and I am clammy. It will pass. I wish there was something to tell you whether it is allergies or cold. Like a cough stick or something that turns blue for allergies... pink for cold. Maybe I have come up with something?

Yesterday we went and visited mom, Lois and Rick. That was a nice visit. Stopped at Walmart. It is weird walking through with Lanny... everyone loves him and everyone talks to him. A few times we were walking and I look back and he was talking to another employee. Then he tells me about this employee. Weird. Usually the only time I am talked to is when I swipe the employee card at the register and they say "Oh, do you work here?" and I will have to tell them Lanny does and then they gush about what a great guy he is. Everybody loves Lanny. Me too.That being said.... I am going to get kind of personal about my thoughts right now... so if you don't want to read it don't.
I love my family. I had a huge reality check yesterday... an epiphany. It is this: Family is not forever. I always believed that no matter what happened in life... you always have your family and at the end of the day they are still there for you.... always. Not true. I was raised to let things go and forgive family because the battle isn't worth winning the war over... because you will lose. Apparently not true. The Brady Bunch is fake. You cannot blend two families and expect it to be that way. In some cases blood is thicker than water. In some cases it is not. It is very confusing. Family roles are very confusing. Am I a mom? Am I not? Am I a friend? Am I not? Respected? Not? Just there? Someone wishing I wasn't? Ignored? Needed? Is there a reason people keep their distance? Where is the line you don't cross? Is it different with everyone? Are family members dispensable? Do we have to love each other? Do we love each other? Do we even like each other? Are we honest? Should we not always be honest? Am I loved? Did I screw up raising the kids? Did I do good? Do I take credit? Do I take blame? What was expected of me then? What is expected of me now?
I wonder how many parents ask themselves these very questions and more? Being a mom was the most joyful, rewarding and toughest thing I have ever done. My life was confusing and I didn't have a clear description of my role. There were always outside forces and influences at war with us. There were lies, deceit, and controversy. Looking back... I am exhausted. Life isn't always how we expect it to turn out. There are too many conflicting personalities. It is like a stack of cards and you never know when it will fall or how far it will fall. I guess I just sit back and pray and ride it out. I need to stop crying over the way I want things to be. I am not in control of others. Which is sad. Maybe I never was. I thank God for my grand children who keep me sane through the madness of this world. I sound dramatic... but this is how I am feeling this morning. This seems to be how most people act.....

I'm sure my little revelation is confusing to most, but when I need to look back it will make sense to me. Just pray for me if you feel the need to help. My heart is broken.

Not much to write about. No grand kids, not feeling well, so I think I will sign off and go cuddle up in the recliner and watch a movie. xoxo

PS.... It is noon and I went in cuddled up in bed with my cat and dog and slept 3 more hours! must be sick! I don't do that!