Where do I start? I have been up since 3 this morning....got maybe 2 hours sleep. I talked to my brother in Virginia for almost an hour this morning. He gave me such a peace.
I think most of you know my mama went to be with Jesus. It is so hard to write those words. What I wrote in Facebook is how I feel this morning:
My heart is broken. My best friend and mama went home. My heart is rejoicing. Mom is where she has wanted to go for the past 7 years. My heart is at peace. Mom has no more pain, no needles, no walker, no doctor appointments, no worries, no missing dad, no upcoming kidney dialysis....she is at peace. Why do I feel so numb? I'll love you forever mama.
I am feeling numb. Yesterday was the hardest day ever. I went to work and on my first break at 11 I talked to the nurse. She basically said I should come in. So I told Teresa and left. Talked to Marcey on my way. I flew to Bremerton. When I got there.... mom was sleeping but in a troubled sleep. Painful sleep. I sat and held her hand. She kept saying "God"....she was in pain. She did say she loved me. Lois and Libby were there. Tara arrived and the doctor called us into another room to talk about the care of mom. I don't remember all she said. I remember her saying things like she won't take any more help...no tests or medication or nothing. The best we could hope for would to make her comfortable and pain-free. I wanted to make sure she would not hurt any more. All three of us girls had to agree and I asked the doctor to call Doug, too, and get his input. We were all in agreement with mom's wishes....what would mom want. So they moved into "comfort care" mode. They moved her to a private room, took away all the monitors in the room, put her on an iv of pain killer, brought in a refreshment cart and chairs and made us all comfortable. They were all so wonderful to us. Once she was on the medication she slept the rest of the time. I played some gospel music, read from the Bible. Her only great, great grandson came and met her for the first time ever. She was so proud of him when he was born and showed off pictures. I hope she knew that beautiful baby was there.
He is so beautiful. Karla came to see me....she had said goodbye to mom and couldn't see her today....but she brought me a big hug and lots of comfort. I sat in the waiting room with her for awhile....I was so glad to see her.
Lanny came, Kevon & Meghan and Amanda came. We talked and laughed....mom slept through it all....but I think she knew we were there for her.
Over time mom's breathing changed. It was tough. Lois and Libby had been vigilante with mom for 2 days and so we talked....and they needed to go clean up and be with their husbands. Thankfully, I had mine with me.... so I stayed with mama....as did Tara.
I sat with her and held her hand all afternoon until she passed away at almost 9:00 p.m. I sang to her, read more scripture, rubbed her face, wiped her mouth, did all I could do to let her know I was there and that I loved her with all my being. I hope I helped.
Mom always hated the next few months coming. Both her parents passed away in December. Daddy died in October. Her baby died in November. Her sister died in November. These months found her sooo depressed. Mama doesn't have to suffer with the depression and sadness anymore.
In March of 2002 mom and I were talking about funerals and stuff on the phone. And while she told me what she wanted.... I typed it and saved it into my computer all this time.
Her favorite songs were: Amazing Grace, In the Garden, Because He Lives, Peace in the Valley, In the Sweet By and By, Victory in Jesus, When We All Get to Heaven.
She said she loves yellow roses and carnations.
Memorial service at the Lutheran Church.
Get together for praise and singing led by Ron Davison
And she will be sitting on Ron's shoulder
She wants Duane Sabin to speak.
My sisters and I talked some yesterday but will probably get together today and make some plans.
I am numb and on auto pilot right now. I don't want to think about my loss. I want to think about her gain. I am watching the sun come up over the water. The sun continues to rise.
6 comments:
Joyce, that was absolutely beautiful. You were a great daughter to her. I'm sure, without a doubt at all, that she knew that you were there holding her sweet hand.
I just can't say how sorry I am, but like you said, your loss is heaven's gain. No more pain and no more sadness. May God's comforting hands be on you until you meet again.
Oh precious friend! I have never been sadder to live so far from you. My heart is there even though I am not. Heaven is a happier place today! Love you!
Joyce, those were beautiful words about a beatiful person, I am sure. I'll be thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead.
Oh Joyce, I am so sorry for your loss. Just remember it isn't forever, you will see both of them again! She is free of pain and worry and has her husband by her side again. She loved all of her family I am sure, but it sounded like she was looking forward to and had her heart set on seeing Grandpa Langager again. I hope you find peace knowing they are together. You as well as your whole family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Karen
Well written expression of your heart, Joyce. The picture of you holding her hand is very touching. The song "When we all get to heaven" has been on my mind. Death does not seem so bad anymore, the more people we have on the other side. As a child I hated it when I heard mom say into the phone, "It's a blessing" about someone's passing. Now I understand it. I am on my way to be with mom now. Her response to the news was "Good". She did not want her beloved sister, her last connection, to suffer. Mom will be at a loss without her calls.
Joyce, I am so sorry for your loss. Words won't take away your pain just know that we are all thinking of you & your mom. Love you my friend.
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