Karla, Kevin, and Halloween

It is Wednesday. Over a week has gone since I could write about this. It has been so hard but my brave daughter wrote on facebook what's been going on with her and said I could post it. So here goes: Sensitive post warning: written by karla " I wasn't going to to talk publicly about this, but I've given it some consideration and I think maybe if it were talked about more freely perhaps I wouldn't have ended up in the position I am. That's probably not true, but I would have felt less shame and fear, maybe. I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety. As a mom, I've always learned to put my feelings last, sometimes ignoring them completely. It's a bad habit, and incredibly hard to break. The people closest to me knew, but not HOW bad. I wouldn't be here typing this post if it weren't for my husband. He sensed something off in a text I sent and called me and could tell something was wrong. Then I wasn't answering anymore. He drove 30 miles from work to call 911 after finding me. Depression is a liar. It tells you that you're worthless, nobody loves you, everyone is better off without you. I've lost someone to suicide. I've raised money for suicide prevention. I've lost people I wasn't ready to lose. I've felt that grief. Yet, I still felt it was the right thing to do. I still thought my family and the people who love me would be better off. It's a powerful voice in your head. A lot of people will think I shouldn't be talking about this, airing my dirty laundry on Facebook, but when I think of people who are suicidal and try to take their own lives, I never would have thought of someone like me. They were extreme. I imagine quite a few people will read this and judge me, and that's okay. My hope is that maybe someone reads this and sees themselves somewhere in this timeline. Maybe it will help someone to personally know someone who got on the other side of this (trying to anyway) and is here to understand how they feel right now. This week I'm being admitted to an inpatient center to help get control over my depression. It's one of those fancy places that pampers you while making you cry. My brother did his research and found the place. I find out for sure on Monday if I'm going but it's pretty much 100%. So i'll be around until Wednesday morning, then i'll be off healing for awhile. ( UPDATE: I'll be leaving Monday now, not tomorrow. I'm (by choice) not going to have any access to my phone, texts, calls, email, social media - but I will have a new email address I will be able to read messages from friends and family - encouragement, just a "hey hope you're doing well", "miss you", "you got this". I'll have it set up this weekend and if you want it, let me know. I'll probably post it on Facebook before I leave but in case I don't I'll make sure everyone who asks for it will get it.) Until then you can spend some time telling me how much you love me and want me around (totally kidding, that's the kind of humor that is pissing my kids off right now haha). Seriously though, if you have questions for me or want to talk to me, I'm available. People say "my door's always open" and "you can call me anytime if you need to talk" And I'd be willing to bet that's true, but how true? And for how many people? The ones closest to you? Your neighbor down the street? I can tell you from experience, telling someone close to you that you feel so low you can't breathe sometimes is harder than telling your UPS driver. (he's safe, I didn't tell him). I know by posting it publicly I'm opening myself up to gossip, but for the sake of my family, try to remember there are people who were really hurt by what I did and are also learning how to heal. They don't' deserve that."

So you can see it was a rough week last week. We all kept close to Karla. She wasn't left alone all week. I don't think she liked it but understood. Tomorrow Karla and I are going to a late breakfast and then a movie. It will be fun. We actually have a plan this week. lol Monday she goes on her trip. That's what I call it. It is like her going to college She is so smart and going to learn more than she needs and I see her helping others. I love her so much and will miss her. She'll be gone a month. God will be taking care of her while she is gone. And her family. He is so good!

We also had another blow. Kevin (Libby's husband) had a stroke Monday morning. It was a light stroke so he still kept his ability to walk and talk. He had to stay overnight in the hospital for tons of tests. It was hard on Libby but her family is full of love and support and God was there taking care of Kevin. Thank you, God!!! Halloween is over and we had 2 dinosaurs visit our house. And one of them was having his birthday!! It was so great Jessica and the boys were over! It sure makes me smile and laugh to have the here. They are so funny and so smart! We gave birthday present and he loved it. These boys are so polite and grateful! Saying thankyou without being told to? That is really cool for 2 and 3 year olds!! Jessica is such an awesome mom. I am so proud of her. Papa told her how proud her dad would be. For sure!! HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY ODIN!!!!

Papa made a great stew on Halloween. We have stew every year on Halloween. So good.

I'm going now. but thanks for taking time to read my blog. Please pray for our families as I pray for yours! And have a happy November!!